It's Only Logical
by Wiggles123
Summary: Bender finds himself a wreck when Hermes does something mind-altering to his beloved Meatbag, Fry. He'll try anything to change him back from the logical zombie he has become. (Short, cruddy chapters but still. HERE YA GO, VIO! Frender/Fender/Fendship/FryxBender/BenderxFry)
1. Chapter 1: It's All Okay For Now

**(THIS STORY IS VIO'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU RASCAL! Warning: This fiction has suggestive themes and ableist language. I guess it's suspenseful sometimes, and kinda sad. Ye have been warrrrnnedd...)**

"Sorry, not sorry, we're late." Bender called as he slammed open the Planet Express door. "Fry overslept. He was up all night, makin' out with an ice-pack, heheh."

"Hey, _you're_ the one who punched me in the mouth over whether it's pronounced 'Care-uh-mel' or 'Car-mul.'" Griped the redhead as he hung up his winter jacket, then mumbling "And I wasn't _making out_ with it, either..."

"Oh yes you were." The robot stuck a cigar in his mouth and reclined in one of the chairs at the conference table. "You were wishin' it was me the whole time. I heard you all, _'Bender, oh Bender!'"_

"Oh, shut up." Fry growled as he took his seat next to Bender and stuck his chubby fingers through his. Funny how even when they were bickering, they were holding hands. Fry quickly thumbed the engagement-band around Bender's silver digit, knowing he had a similar one on his own left hand. Now, they had no clue when exactly they were getting "hitched or whatever," as Bender had so tactfully put it, but it was nice to have the rings as a reminder that they did, in fact, belong to each other.

"Good news, everyone!" Professor Farnsworth shouted as he shuffled noisily into the front of the room, blocking a bottom corner of the giant monitor. Everyone groaned. "Oh hush up, you buffoons! This one's a fun one."

"A fun one what?" Leela inquired with the flick of her wrist.

"Uh, wha? OH, right, right." The doddering old fool pressed a small button on his new wristwatch and out projected a green hologram, one depicting a worn-looking planet covered in smog clouds. "Today you will be delivering a shipment of avocados to Dolormundis 4, the most cold and logical planet in the Cerebromnia universe. Avocados are brain-food, you know." Hubert smiled like there was a secret being hidden.

"Alright, Wrinkles. What's the catch?" Bender squinted accusingly at the old man, his cigar billowing between his stout fingers. Farnsworth threw his papery hands in the air whimsically.

"Oh, no catch. But Hermes will have to go with you three on the journey, because if those Dolormundites catch a whiff of any one of you deliverymen, you'll be zapped into a mindless, rational zombie irrevocably."

 _"Hey,_ why is Hermes any different from me, Bender or Leela?" Fry snapped, offended.

"Leela has a temper, Bender is an emotional shipwreck-"

"Not true!" Bender interjected.

"And _you_ , Fry, are a _bumbling idiot!"_ Farnsworth concluded harshly, then turning his attention towards the bureaucrat to his left. "You see, Hermes here is like a machine: Sensible and unempathetic, logical to the core-"

"Hello? I am a machine! I'm a Bending unit, remember?"

"Ah, yes, and I also remember you crying at a 'Save the Armadillo Foundation' commercial yesterday afternoon." Hubert shot smugly, making Bender lean back and cross his arms, staring at the floor as the eyes focused on him.

"Like you weren't, ya hypocrites."

"In any matter, Hermes is the perfect man for the job. All he has to do is go along with you three whippersnappers for the trip and hand over some boxes to those Dolormundites. Then, you all can be home by sundown!"

"Sounds like a plan, Professah." Hermes smiled his ass-kisser smile, then looked around menacingly at the crew. "Well, what are ya waitin' for? Get ta work!"

As the crew stood from their chairs and complained, the Professor tapped Hermes on the shoulder and whispered "Before you go, let me tell you the one way you can reverse the irreversible effects of the lasers, just in case."


	2. Chapter 2: Short and Sweet

All of them groused as they carried heavy boxes of avocados into the ship. Amy took a long break to fix her makeup every other time she lifted a crate and Zoidberg was shunned back into the dumpster after eating too much of the cargo, so needless to say, they were shorthanded.

"Hey, Bender, look what I can do!" Bender heard Fry giggle behind him. He dropped the box in his arms and turned to watch as Fry balanced an avocado on his nose and juggled three more of them around his face. Pretty impressive for a human chump, and the robot was actually kind of proud.

"Go, man! Go!" He cheered and clapped as Fry added another fruit onto his nose and stood on one foot. "That's my man!"

"Cut dat out." Hermes swatted Fry on the head with a newspaper, and the avocados fell to the ground. "Pick'em up. Get workin'."

Fry rubbed the sore spot and stuck his tongue out when Hermes turned his back.

Soon, everything was packed up and ready to go. Fry and Bender clomped into the ship towards their small card-table in the back, where they'd usually play Go-Fish or kiss a little. Leela flopped into her Captain's chair, and waited for Hermes to climb aboard. She was already in a testy mood after being told she had a temper. She couldn't fathom what temper that ancient crouton was gabbing about, and wanted to break a vase over his crusty head. _That'll_ show him that she didn't have a temper. Then, all-supreme Hermes took a seat near the window and opened up a novel on his lap.

The ship took off at light speed toward Dolormundis 4.


	3. chapter 3: Bubblegum and Paper Birds

Fry had brought a pack of bubblegum with him. How could Hermes tell? He could hear it through the door of the backroom.

 _Pop!_ (They would giggle.)

 _Pop!_ (Bender snorted a laugh.)

 _Pop!_ ("Oh crud it's in my hair! Haha!")

Hermes' eye twitched behind his bifocals as he restarted the same sentence over and over again, trying not to be distracted by the childish antics going on between the adult couple in that room. He inhaled deeply and tried again.

 _Suzanna didn't- (POP!)_

 _Suzanna didn't dare to fl- (POP! POP!)_

 _Suzanna didn't dare to flinch when Charlotte placed a hand on her ar- (POP! POP! POP!)_

Okay, that was _it!_ Hermes sprung from his seat by the starry blur of a window and began to march his way to where the pair of romosexuals were goofing off when Leela said "Don't let yourself get too bugged by those two. They're just being idiots."

"They are wasting valuable work time!" Hermes stressed, "They could be cleanin' da bathroom or washin' da windows right now. If my calculations are correct, they could be saving an hour and a half at least of the company's time, instead of doin' _dat."_ He pointed to the source of the incessant popping and giggling. Leela sighed.

"Trust me. Those two wouldn't tidy this ship up if it was my dying wish. Well, Fry might try for a minute, but Bender would probably convince him not to." She said wisely as she steered around an asteroid. Hermes bit his lip in frustration, knowing that she was one hundred percent right whether he liked it or not. He sat back down in his chair and picked his novel up again to find the spot where he left off with ease on the dog-ear folded page.

 _Suzanna didn't dare to flinch when Charlotte placed a hand on her arm. Charlotte was not one to- (POP!)_

The book fell to the floor as Hermes dragged his thick, brown fingers down his cheeks. This was going to be a long ride.


	4. Chapter 4: The Incident

The Planet Express ship sputtered to a landing in the left hemisphere of Dolormundis 4, exactly where Leela was told to park. They were right beside a tall building made of efficient plastics and biodegradable materials. Hermes tried to calm his nerves, watching anxiously out the window while two yellow-green beings hovered through the front entrance on floating platforms. Their heads were bulbous and veiny, concealing great minds beneath, though the rest of their bodies seemed underdeveloped and feeble. The creatures themselves did not look to be too scary, but those blue guns in their hands sure seemed threatening.

"You're up, Herpes Condor." Bender slapped the bureaucrat on the back, making him jump in alarm.

"I know, I know." His voice shook with worry. One wrong word, and he could consider himself zapped. "Hand me da first box."

Hermes lugged crates one by one onto a dolly that wavered above the sandy ground. The screen on their weapons bleeped _moderate, moderate,_ when they scanned his head, and the Dolormundites scrutinized him as he carried the last few boxes down the stairs. Hermes did not speak, out of fear for his own personality. Soon, the time came for them to sign off on the purchase.

Hermes cleared his throat. "Please sign here to authenticate that this delivery took place." He held out a water-spotted clipboard with a red pen attached by a chain. "It is company policy."

"Most sensible." Buzzed the alien, grasping the chewed utensil with a frog-like hand. Her signature was simple, a perfect circle with a dot in the center. "We assume you will have an adequate day." She returned the clipboard.

"We assume da same for you." Hermes replied stiffly but respectfully and walked back up into the ship, his heart racing in his chest. That was a close one.

"I bet I can pin you down for three seconds if you keep your hands behind your back." Fry challenged Bender as Leela kicked her sturdy boot against ol' Bessie's control panel.

"Don't you two start!" She scolded, "I gotta fix this damn thing, and I can't have you guys making it worse!"

"...Try me, Meatbag. Fifty bucks says ya can't." The robot whispered, and Fry grinned.

Hermes cringed as Fry and Bender tumbled recklessly through the ship, destroying everything in their path. _Sweet Olympiad of Trinidad!_ They were ruining company property at incredible speeds!

"HA! You owe me fifty, baybuh." Bender boasted as he sat on Fry's chest, hands clasped behind his iron back. Fry grumbled a little, but couldn't help giggling when Bender leaned down to quickly peck his lips. Then the robot turned his attentions to raspberrying Fry's neck. Hermes ground his teeth.

How disgusting.

"Tell me I'm great, do it, say it-" Bender demanded between tickles. Fry writhed and squealed, giving Hermes a migraine.

 _"You're great! You're great! Okay!"_ Fry surrendered, and the robot rolled off of him. "This is why you're banned from pushing the cart at the grocery store. You're too rough." They both laughed a little. Bender helped Fry to his feet and then began to celebrate his victory while the redhead leaned against the exit and caught his breath next to Hermes. The stairway had not been lifted yet, and the two aliens were still conversing outside in an unfamiliar language, guns-in-hand.

Hermes suddenly got a nasty idea. An idea that started out as a mere intrusive thought, but quickly snowballed into a whole evil scheme. What if Fry just... fell down? An accidental trip up that left him right inbetween the gun-toting Dolormundites? He wouldn't die, of course. But perhaps he could get some sense zapped into him. Nobody knew how to reverse the effects of the guns but him, (the Professor made sure to inform Hermes before he forgot,) so nobody could change him back. Work productivity would go up, and the annoying horsing-around would decrease significantly. No more dumb questions at meetings, no more explaining things twice, and best of all, no one to point the finger at, because it would all be a _devastating accident._

There was one of Bender's toy trucks a few inches away from Fry's toes. All Hermes needed to do was push him a little closer to it, and everyone would be happier. With little deliberation, Hermes put his hand on Fry's shoulder offering a "good job today, Philip mon." and nudged him just enough for Fry to stumble on the obstacle.

"Waah!" He cried as he slipped down the stairs. His chest and chin slammed to the ground in a puff of dirt, and when it cleared, Fry saw only a blue film scanning all over his face. The mind-enhancing-gun's screen blinked red, _Inadequate! Inadequate!_ And Fry's eyes squeezed shut. He was so boned.

Bender stopped his "Bender is great" dancing just in time to catch sight of his fiance's brain being blitzed.

"Hey!" He gasped as his extending arms shot out and hooked an unconscious Fry under the armpits. He was yanked back into the ship right as Leela got it to start functioning again. The ship took off very quickly, beelining towards Earth. "Fry, buddy, are you okay?"

The redhead slowly opened his pair of dead-looking eyes, making disturbingly dark eye-contact with Bender.

"If by _'okay,'_ you mean my person being in satisfactory physical health, then yes. I would define myself as 'okay.'"

Oh no,

Oh no,

 _oh no..._


	5. Chapter 5: Brief Disconcertion

When the ship landed back at Planet Express headquarters, all was quiet. Fry sat rigid in his chair, not speaking. Bender leaned beside him, twiddling his thumbs. What could he say to him? The robot was unsure of what to do now. Leela was too frustrated to try and interact with anyone, so she just ranted internally while she parked. Hermes, on the other hand, appeared to be having a lovely time, enjoying the silence. He had already finished his book, and was lounging in his seat, sipping lemonade.

"So, uh, Fry. You wanna catch a movie later?" Bender asked awkwardly as they stepped down the stairs.

"The action of watching movies is a purposeless leisure, therefore I must decline." Fry replied coldly, not even bothering to look at the robot.

"Oh," " Bender sighed, dejected, "Well, want me to make dinner tonight at least?"

"Your cooking skills have improved marginally, and food is necessary for all of the life functions, so in this case, it is only wise to accept your offer."

Bender shot him a skeptical glance. He didn't like this. Fry was not supposed to act this way, not ever. He was supposed cover his socks in spray cheese and peanut-butter just because he could! But what could Bender do about it? It wasn't anybody's fault, there was no one to get revenge on, so he thought. Bender guessed he would just have to... _adjust._


	6. Chapter 6: Quite Unusual

The second Bender opened the apartment door for Fry, the redhead walked straight to the kitchen and turned on the sink.

 _What the hell?_ Bender shuffled in to lean against the doorway and observe. Fry was doing the dishes? Without being asked? This was simply impossible.

"Hey, uh, what's with the dish-washin', buddy?"

"Stagnant dishes are a health hazard. They must be washed in disinfectant and dried thoroughly if one wants to decrease the chances of contracting disease." Fry replied off-handedly. Bender quirked his optic at him.

"Uh- _huh..._ " The robot mumbled, "And _why_ exactly do you care now?"

Fry turned off the faucet and swiftly dried the last fork before facing Bender with a lifeless gaze. "Because it is only logical."

Bender blinked in disbelief and soon pivoted away. Never in his life would he imagine those words coming out of Fry's mouth. And the look he had in his eyes, that icy, emotionless look- it was downright scary.

The next morning as they walked to work, Bender couldn't fight the urge to grab onto Fry's unusually clean hand. It was what they always did, and as heartless as Fry had been these past few hours, Bender still assumed he'd be okay with it.

"Hand-holding is used as a common practice for security." Fry mentioned blankly when Bender's fingers curled around his. "At this moment, I do not need security."

Bender snatched his hand away, rolling his optics. No hand-holding? What was this, a joke? Fry _loved_ holding hands and playing with Bender's strong fingers, and Bender loved the way he would admire them like they were an art exhibit. "You could dent a monument with this thumb," Fry would say, blinking naively up at him, "Hell yeah I could," Bender would reply. The robot could hardly picture a world without such spirited conversation, but he was gonna have to get used to it.

Today was definitely going to be tough.


	7. Chapter 7: Into the Strange

"Hey, Fry. How's it going?" Amy asked as she sat beside him on the couch.

"What do you mean?" Fry retorted robotically, "What is the 'it' you are referring to? Social interactions? Physical health? Emotional state? Mental stability? Romantic relationships-?"

Amy stood up and walked away as Fry continued on with his list until she was out of his sight. That was mega weird, even for Fry.

"Fry, stop creeping people out." Bender scolded as he took Amy's old place next to him with two beers and some nachos in his hands, turning on the television. As hard as he was trying to accept this new, rational Fry, he found he was having a hard time with it. At least when he was a mutant or that time he was the Tentacle Pope, he was still himself on the inside. This new Fry was a buzzkill as best.

"This program is not educational, Bender." Fry remarked when Bender flipped to _Everybody Loves Hypnotoad._ "This will not increase either of our abilities to survive in our Universe."

"Neither will you runnin' your yap all day long, and that don't seem to stop _you."_ Bender hissed back. Fry was silent for a moment, staring curiously as the robot tossed a chip into his mouth.

"Sir, why do you eat when you hardly have a sense of taste and do not require food for life-functions?"

"Cause I can, you weiner. And don't call me 'Sir.' I'm your fiance, remember?" Bender growled, almost offended at the title. Who calls their great, almighty, handsome, ultimate love of their life _"Sir?"_ The thin ring on Bender's finger almost started to feel heavier as Fry continued to observe him eating. "You want a beer, Meatbag?" He offered to dispel the troublesome tension he sensed between them.

"Alcohol kills brain cells in humans, but fuels robotic beings, so it only makes sense for you to consume both, and I consume none."

"Eh. Fine by me." Bender chuckled darkly to himself, but in the pit of his stomach, he felt something was very off.

He almost didn't even want to drink.


	8. Chapter 8: Total Heartbreak of a King

It was probably around ten o'clock, and Fry had decided that it was a good time to go to bed, rather than his usual "Let's stay up all night catching cheese-balls in our mouths," attitude. Bender still kind of wanted to finish the episode of _All My Circuits,_ just to let his mind think about something besides his severely altered world for a few minutes, but felt too strange about the whole situation to allow himself to do so. Bender ended up following Fry to the bedroom to shyly stand by the foot of their bed (which was actually just their old beds pushed together and bound at the legs with zip-ties) and watch him tuck himself in.

"Why are you here, Bender? Are you feeling tired or licentious?" Fry questioned, his dead eyes on Bender's face.

"No, actually, I, uh. I just wanted say goodnight, cuz I wanna finish the show and junk..." The robot looked uncomfortable, shifting his weight, tapping his fingers together, and focusing on the floor. It was unlike him to be so uncouth, but he honestly felt as though he were talking to some boring stranger.

"Goodnight, Bender." Fry said calmly.

"Yeah, well... Night Fry, I love ya."

Bender sighed dismally and began to walk out of the dark room when he heard Fry's voice say "No, you do not. That is impossible."

He spun like lightening on his foot-cuffs and turned on the light.

 _"What?_ What did you just say?"

"I had said that you do not love me, for it is impossible. I have read several articles from reputable sources, all of which stating that robots cannot love."

Bender was in disbelief. Was he going insane? Was he not hearing this right? How could it be? His most adored possession, his baby boy, Philip J. Fry, was claiming that Bender didn't love him? Perhaps if Fry had accused him of this two or three years ago, Bender would've rolled his eyes and said "Damn right, ya ugly loser," his pride overruling his affections. But right now, as he remembered how much he put on the line for this silly human, how much they'd been through together, the robot couldn't hold it in.

Fire. Hellfire. Bender's being went up in flames.

"I love you, Fry. I loved you since the first day I met you. You're my best friend, and I proposed to you three months ago." Bender reminded him, pointing to the ring on his middle digit and trying hard to remain calm. "I _really_ love you."

"That is a lie." Fry retorted smoothly, unphased. "I must correct you, as several journals have explained that automatons like yourself possess no capabilities to feel genuine affection, but instead mimic the behaviors of biological creatures and learn the skills needed to convince others that they too feel love."

"If you're trying to tell me that I _'learned to love,'_ which I _didn't_ , then I'd like to point out that I could only have learned it from _you_ , because you used to love me too before that laser screwed with your big, dumb noggin!" Bender articulated precisely.

"I'm glad I could be of service to you, so you may function easier in human society. And for the record, the mind-altering lasergun has changed me for the better. I am much more sensible now, as before I was illogical, oversensitive and unproductive."

Bender barked a sardonic laugh, his gestures becoming downright theatrical. " _That's_ for damn sure! You used to be sweet, and warm and clumsy, and impulsive- Someone I could really whammy in the face-hole and still be forgiven by. I've seen you pull candy-corn from your belly button nine days after Halloween and eat it without a second thought! And _now_ you have a goddamn shower schedule!" He snorted, both mad and sarcastic, "You may look and sound like my Fry, but _you_ , sir, are not my Fry. No, _my_ Fry wouldn't doubt that I loved him." The robot lowered his voice slightly, scrubbing away an angry tear from his visors with his gray knuckle before it could fall. "Because I _did_. And he _knew_ that. And now, I can't get him back. I'm stuck with you, ya crummy can-a-worms!"

"I'm sorry, sir. But it is better for everyone this way." The man responded indifferently. Bender unclenched his hands in defeat, then pulled his ring from his finger, and flicked off the light-switch as he left.

"Well, it ain't better for me. Goodnight, _Philip."_

That night, as Bender lay haplessly on the couch and growing more sober by the minute, he was remembering waking up to that ugly, beautiful drooly face next to his, like he was used to. The face he swore had no brain behind it. And he was wishing that he would see it again tomorrow, that perhaps this was all a nasty dream...


	9. Chapter 9: The King Rises Once Again

"Are you accompanying me on the walk to work, Bender?" Fry asked too politely while he put on a pair of clean socks. Bender's only reply was a sober grumble and the remote-control being chucked in Fry's direction from his place, face-down on the couch. "I must assume that the answer is 'no.' I will return sometime around six, most likely."

"Screw off, ya phony." Bender slurred once he was already gone.

When Fry arrived at work without Bender, Leela gave him a suspicious glare. "Where is Bender? Is he playing hooky again?"

"Yes, friend, where is the robit?" Zoidberg inquired, but everyone ignored him.

"Bender has chosen not to consume alcohol and reduce functionality by reason of an imitation of emotional distress. He is not capable of working today." Fry explained monotonously. Leela furrowed her brow in anger.

"Well, aren't you going to go help him? He's your fiance, Fry!" She marched menacingly close to him. Even if he was a logical zombie now, he still had to feel _something_.

"Bender has symbolically terminated our betrothment as of last night. He is no longer my fiance." He clarified, unfeeling. Leela shook him by the shoulders.

"You're despicable!" She snarled through clenched teeth, and let go so of him that she could grab her green peacoat and stomp her manly boots down to Robot Arms Apartments. Maybe Bender was a jackass and constantly offended everyone at any chance given, but he was still her friend and really did need Fry. And in any case, Leela was nosy. She always had to know what was going on.

Leela rapped on the door first thing when she got there. "Open up, Bender. It's me."

"Go'way, Big Boots." Called a gruff, rambling voice. Leela rolled her eye and sharply kicked the door right open.

"What the hell are you doing, all sobered-up in here?" She demanded, hand-on-hip. Bender curled up into himself ever further in response. "Well? Are you not gonna tell me?"

She let out a sigh when he didn't reply, and took a seat on the armrest of the grimey couch. Bender didn't look at her. He just buried his rusted face in the cushion and whined.

"Look, Bender. I know you miss the old Fry. I miss him too, but-"

"He don't love me anymore." Bender interrupted quietly. "Said I can't love him either cuz I'm a robot. He's not e'en Fry, Leela. He-he's not e'en Fry."

"Well, maybe he just needs to be brought back to his senses- or I guess his _nonsenses_. Either way, you're not going to get him back by sitting here, sober off your ass and moping about. Besides, you know yourself better than _anyone_. _You_ know you love Fry, don't you?"

Bender knew it was no use to lie. She knew how many times he had let himself get sober because of Fry. And in all honesty, he was far too intoxicated to care what anybody thought of him at this point. This was just as bad if not worse than the time he cut off his own antenna.

"More'an I love _myself_ , and that's hard'a do." Bender admitted quietly. "I... I jus' wan'im back, Leela. Back to'is _real_ self. Da one who pees on'a sidewalk and _loves Ben'er._ "

"Then get up off your ass, pick up a bottle of hooch, and let's get back to Planet Express and start remindin' Fry of who he is. Sound like a plan?"

"… I guess..." Bender replied apathetically, but couldn''t stifle a feeling of hope growing inside of him. Leela had revived the idea that there was a chance Fry was still in there somewhere. She was a damn good motivator. Perhaps that's why she was captain.


	10. Chapter 10: Forced Affections

_**Three hours later:**_

"Hey, buddy." Bender smiled a force smile as he sat down next to Fry on the sofa. He was reading a National Geographic on his smartphone and ignoring Bender. "So, I put my ring back on this morning... Figured that I still need it... no big deal..."

Fry slowly turned his head to stare inquisitively into Bender's round, amber optics. "That is not consistent with your actions as of last night. This statement is illogical."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah- _I know, I know."_ Bender chewed hurriedly, gesturing with his hands in an objecting manner. "Forget about that bullpucky. I'm just here to say I ain't done with ya just yet."

"You want to continue our frivolous pretense of a marital engagement?"

"I dunno what that means, but I _do_ know that I still really want to get married someday." Bender elbowed him, trying not to be bothered by Fry's deadpan attitude. "But not until you start actin' like yourself again."

"There is virtually no chance of me returning to my previous behaviors, if that is what you are referring to." He told Bender coldly. "But companionship has proven to have positive effects on homo sapiens, so I am obligated to accept your offer, until I discover a better-suited companion."

"Tell that to _these_ -" Bender popped open his chest-compartment and fished out a magic wand with a bouquet of pink roses spilling from the top, his other hand fluttering spectacularly. "They're your favorite, Meatbag. Remember?"

"Yes. I have positive feelings towards these particular angiosperms." Fry muttered, unable to take his eyes off of the delicious, flush coloring. "It must be a biological response to the hue."

"Hm. I knew you'd like 'em." Bender smiled smugly. Fry looked away, detached.

"You have made an accurate inference."

Bender gave himself a fist-pump and a muted "Score!" But he knew very well that he was far from finished when Fry dropped the flowers onto the floor and reached for his phone, where the informative article glowed in black and white on the screen.


	11. Chapter 11: Distant Flickerings

It had been a whole week since Hermes tripped Fry into getting his character drained from his mind, and the guilt was really starting to eat at him. Oh of course he was happy with the work productivity and the amount of time saved at meetings lacking Fry's "Wanna see me regurgitate fourteen cents?" type-distractions. But he couldn't help but feel a disturbance in his conscience as he watched Bender's fruitless attempts at reviving the redhead taking place right in front of him.

Hermes bit his full bottom-lip, looking on helplessly as the rather sober bending unit kneeled in front of Fry and clasped his chin, forcing him into an electric kiss. When he pulled back, Fry just continued sitting there stolidly on the sofa, no reaction.

"Daw, C'mon, Flesh-tube, ya _gotta_ remember how much you used to like that." Bender begged, then kissed Fry again. And again. Then just hugged him tight for a while, petting his hair.

This must be his last resort. At least yesterday he was still trying comedy and magic tricks (for all of which Fry pointed out the possible ways he performed the illusions.) And yet, Hermes couldn't find it in his heart to come clean with Bender, admit his miscalculation and fix Fry.

"It's so sad, isn't it?" Leela huffed and stood next to Hermes with a coffee in her large hand. Hermes gasped, startled.

 _"I DIDN'T DO IT!-_ Oh, it's just you, Leela. What were ya sayin'?"

"Look how hard that poor bastard is trying to get Fry to be himself again." She sighed whistfully, "It's a shame, really. I truly thought that maybe if he jogged his memory, he'd go back to normal. But I'm starting to think I might've been wrong about this one. Maybe the effects of the gun really _are_ irreversible. If only there was _some_ person, right beside me who knew how to help him, to help me keep my promise to Bender. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Me too- I mean, uh, that's too bad." Hermes saved himself, coughing suspiciously. Even as observant as Leela was, she was too caught up in pitying the often-sadistic robot as he kissed a frog in hopes of getting back his prince to notice the blunder in Hermes' façade.

"I better go get myself a cheese-steak. All this watching Bender suffering is making me kinda hungry." She sighed and headed towards the kitchen, leaving the bureaucrat the stew in his own guilt and self-hatred.

When Bender collapsed on his back in frustration or defeat, Hermes began to bite his nails.


	12. Chapter 12: Guilty Conscience

Countless efforts, numerous tries, and Fry had hardly progressed. He still had no sparkle in his hazel eyes, no unpredictable outbursts, no singing along to the radio, not even to _Walkin' On Sunshine._ He just barely survived off of nothing but water and health-food, and did the work he was asked to do. He was losing all of his adorable pudge, ("Baby-fat", as Bender would call it, though Fry was in his mid-thirties by now.) His cheeks were hollow, his skin growing gray without blush, and he appeared to be an empty shell. _(Knock on the door, no one's home.)_

Truth be told, Bender found himself almost grieving. The only human he could never bring himself to kill, his sweet, affectionate Fry, was a soulless nothing. But, he figured that if there was still hope for his meatbag to love him again, he was going to cling to it. What else did he have at this point, if not blind hope? And it's not like he made _no progress whatsoever._ Fry had stopped calling Bender "sir," and sometimes let him hold his hand. One time, Fry had even once addressed him as "Honey."

This night, Bender wanted to try powering-down next to him again. A voice shouted in his head that this was a lost cause, that this was never going to work, but a softer voice urged him to give it another shot. Besides, Fry went searching endlessly for him when he was missing out in space, and now he was just returning the favor.

He climbed into their makeshift bed beside the redhead. Fry allowed Bender to rest his head on his boney chest, (a surprise indeed,) taking a deep breath and exhaling a needy sigh.

"What are you bitchin' about, Fry?" Bender inquired, actually sounding concerned. Was this really new- Fry showing a hint of feeling? He pounced on this opportunity and turned on the lamp resting on the nightstand. "What is it?"

Fry stared blankly at the wall adjacent to him for a moment. "I am... conflicted."

"What about?" Bender pried eagerly. Usually, he didn't care what Fry had to say. But now, obviously, it was different.

"As of now, I am an optimal human being. I perform all life-functions effortlessly, I a have a healthy physicality according to three doctors, and rely on nothing but my senses and the tangible world. I have a higher chance of survival than most of the members of my species and-or variations of my species. And yet I feel myself becoming ill." He bit his lip in confusion. Bender wanted to scream for joy, as this was the most he'd seen of his old Fry in the past week and a half. "I have read several articles by reputable sources about my condition, and they all make the same general points. According to them, I need to participate socially and must attain a healthy emotional status if I want to maintain an adequate lifestyle..."

"What are ya sayin', Fry?"

The redhead took another deep breath. "I believe it is only sensible for me to attempt at involving myself in your experiments to regain my previous habits, such as smiling, laughing, crying, and being angry. I was much healthier then, despite the copious amounts of sugar and bacon-grease in my bloodstream."

"I'm glad you finally came around, Dork-face." Bender smiled a robot's smile widely, and leaned in to give Fry a smooch on the cheek. Fry, in response, turned to kiss Bender on the mouthplate unfeelingly, but wanting to revive some spark of that affection he remembered connected to the robot. He needed to acquire supreme health, and this was the only way he could think of doing so.

Fry spent the whole rest of the night allowing Bender to try whatever he felt was best for him to recapture some sort of tender feeling in his mind.

 _Whatever_ he felt was best.


	13. Chapter 13: A Glimmer of Hope

Bender had finally cracked through Fry's outer-shell. Fry was now willing to allow Bender to try and evoke some reactions from his logic-stricken mind. Maybe this wasn't exactly what Bender had been asking for, but it was far better than nothing.

He tried slapping Fry, looking for anger. No emotional response from Fry, though Bender thought it was pretty funny how he'd yelped in pain. Next, he tried pointing out each and every one of Fry's flaws alphabetically, which didn't bring a single tear to his eye, even after Bender insulted his chewed gum collection. Again and again Bender tried; funny videos, gross-out stories, pictures of kittens and ducks wearing tiny hats, physical violence. And yet, Fry hardly showed a speck of expression, a glimmer of reaction. By six o'clock that night, they were both sitting on the couch, looking spent.

"I don't believe that our exertions have paid off, Bender." Fry said smoothly, taking off the embarrassing, hot-pink bra that read 'Daddy's little monster' in black lace across the cups and ripping the fake mustache from his upper lip.

"Yeah, no shortcakes, Carrot Top." Bender replied, sounding both sardonic and defeated as he removed his sombrero. His shoulders slumped a bit further as he spoke. "Your canteen's just as dry as it was when we started."

"As unorthodox and captivating as your metaphors may be, the meanings behind them do in fact hold some truth. I have not improved whatsoever, and am aware that the chances that I ever will are slim. The only possible outcome I see is to simply to find a place to be in solitude, allow myself to grow ill and eventually terminate. This would leave more resources available to the healthier human specimens and benefit my species as a whole."

"So, what? You're _givin' up?_ You're leavin' me now, _is that it?!"_ Bender jolted to his feet, his arms splayed in the air frantically. "What about everything we've been through? I've tried everything I can to get your stupid tookus back to normal! And you're just gonna ditch me to curl up in some lousy corner a' hell and let yourself _die?_ After all I done for ya, how well I been takin' care a' ya this past decade and change, you _dumb grapefruit-_ does all that mean _nothing?!"_

After a tense pause, Fry stood slowly, pensively, and placed a calm, lukewarm and graying hand on the robot's shoulder, looking back into his bulbous optics for the first time in a long while.

"No, your efforts do not mean nothing to me. These past several years that I have spent with you, Bender Bending Rodriguez, have been the most fulfilling and adventurous years of my short, mortal lifespan, bodily-harm included. If I can recall correctly, I remember feeling the happiest and the most functional when I was with you, and perhaps it is a sensible bet to say you had felt the same about me, when I was still myself. I now mourn the joy and health I kept in those days. I am not an adequate human being anymore," Bender could've sworn he'd caught a glimpse of a soulful, pained smile when he said this, "but I want to thank you for making me feel as though I could maybe be one again, if only for a moment... Perhaps I had been wrong about robots lacking emotion, because it's been said that only love can drive a person to care for another's happiness over their own. I must go now, my once dearest friend. Thank you."

Fry's face slowly drained of any hint of feeling that was involved in his speech, and he turned his way towards the door. The robot was on the brink of _(sexy, manly)_ tears as he watched this ghost of his heart leaving for good. But then, all too conveniently -

"WAIT!" Hermes' voice called as he popped up from where he was eavesdropping, behind the sofa. Fry stopped in his tracks when he heard him say "I know how to help ya!"


	14. Chapter 14: Bittersweet

All too quickly, the three men rushed into the ship. They would've brought along Professor Farnsworth too, just to have some background knowledge on those damn Dolormundites, but that particular evil genius was taking a sick day after that incident with the tandem bicycle and the Milk Duds, the poor old fool. And they were in too much of a rush to track down Leela, who was shopping downtown with Amy on their lunch-break. Bender swore he could fly the ship way better than that one-eyed nag-machine anyhow, and sure proved it when he smashed a hole through the roof of the Planet Express building during lift-off.

"Sweet blockhead of Linstead! Do ya know how much cost in damages ya just caused, mon?!" Cried Hermes, glaring at the pilot of this unsteady ship.

"Eh, don't know, don't care." Bender rolled his optics, masking his urge to murder the bureaucrat fairly well, by his standards.

"Well, it's comin' out a' _your_ pay, ya scaoundral. Ya just created a lot a destruction with your careless actions." Hermes folded his dense arms.

"And you _didn't?"_ Bender hissed as he narrowly missed a satellite. "You coulda hocked up how to fix Fry a billion years ago! He should be screamin' for his life right now cuz I'm prolly gonna crash this hunkajunk!" Bender thumbed at the redhead sitting patiently as the ship rattled through a meteor-shower. "Coulda saved alotta pain for m- him. For him, and others who are not me..."

Hermes observed as the robot's expression faltered slightly, and that same guilt began eating away at his stomach. He knew that he had put Bender through hell for his own gain, and he knew that he'd done it on purpose. _He_ was the one who pushed Fry, not Bender, and here he was, enjoying a thick wallet while a less-than-innocent automaton suffered greatly. With a long glance at the band around Bender's wide, middle-finger as he shakily steered the wheel, Hermes pressed the auto-pilot button and took a seat next to Bender. This wasn't going to go down smoothly, not with Bender's fiery, homicidal temper.

"Hey, what's the big idea? I'm a good driver almost." Bender glared menacingly. Hermes pressed his fingertips together, seeking refuge from Bender's volcano-like stare out the window.

"Benda." He started.

"Tergiversator." He replied, equally civil. Bender had already crossed his arms and was tapping his foot-cuff on the tile below him. Oh man.

"I've been wantin' to say something to ya for a while, just ta get it off my chest, ya know?"

"And?" He said impatiently. Hermes swallowed. This was gonna be a big one. No going back now.

"I... _may_ have, uh, _accidentally_... pushed Fry out of the ship on purpose so dat he could gain some brain-matta... Just _accidentally_."

Hermes had never been hoofed in the face so hard in his life.

"You're off the list, scum-dumpster! Don't you ever consider yourself my friend ever again! Go'da Hell!" Bender shouted with another swift kick right in the kidney, and pointed towards the door to the backroom. "Now get outta my sight before I do something illegal!"

Hermes lifted a crumpled finger up from the floor. "Well, technically-"

"I said scram, Licey!"

And the Rastafarian crawled shamefully on his belly, headed to the exit. The circuits in Bender's head fizzled with hot dissatisfaction. Who did he think he was, hurting poor Bender like that? He'd rip that assclown to shreds! He wanted him dead after the nightmare he put him through. But he needed him to get Fry's heartguts back in his loopy noodle. After some thought, Bender narrowly decided that his need for Fry to be Fry again was slightly more urgent than his desire to commit a felony. Besides. He could always kill Hermes later.

Bender plopped back into Leela's chair with his arms crossed, sporting a cranky expression. He wasn't in the mood to fly the stupid ship anymore, so he simply let autopilot _(Dumb pilot, not even half as good as me, Bender. Cruddy loser program-)_ take over for the flight.

From the outside, the ship seemed to be nothing but blue skies and smooth sailin' through Cerebromia galaxy. But the inside of the ship was rockier than the exterior would lead on.


	15. Chapter 15: Sick Confessions

Bender had taken hold of the wheel once more, adorned in his trusty pirate hat and his salami-slice medals as the ship made a smash-landing on Dolormundis 4. They all coughed as they escaped the dusty mess of a spaceship. A still-hatted Bender helped Fry up from under a hunk of metal, (secretly cautious of his frail, mortal body,) but let Hermes fend for his-stupid-self as he searched for a pair of glasses in a pile of debris. The ship could still fly probably, but they had no time to waste checking. They were on dangerous turf. Bender was feeling even less stable than he usually was, and his small, shiny hands were balled into angry fists. If even one Dolormundite caught sight of his irrational stance, it could mean brain-drain for all of them.

"Ya remember what we talked about, Benda?" Questioned Hermes as the three plodded towards Dolormundite-Headquarters with melted rubber around their feet.

"Hush, you. _I'm_ in charge now." Bender growled back, gripping tightly to Fry's bony hand. It was much squishier the last time he'd held it, the robot noticed.

"Hey! You, there! Automaton and human company! What purpose do you serve here?" Called a deep, rumbling voice. Bender turned to face a lime-green specimen floating nearer to him on a hover-platform and pointing a slick, blue gun at his head.

Bender cleared his throat so that he could bellow slowly in his best British accent. "We have come for the flaw in this man's brain, that you have so heinously stolen from us!" He announced dramatically in his mock-professional air. "And we are not leaving until we get it back!"

The creature lowered his weapon, curiosity overriding him. "And why would you need the senselessness returned to this organism? Is he not more functional than previously noted? Have we not improved his overall being?"

 _"Sir,"_ Bender pulled to his tippy-toes, and opening his chest-cabinet just enough to grip onto the sword, "If you do not retrieve Philip Fry's buffoonery at once, I will be forced to challenge you to a _duel!_ "

"Benda mon!" Hermes whispered harshly, "We don't have the propa weapons to fend them off!"

"I said hush, you!" Bender snarled back, then stared at the adversary. "What doth thou-est say of my ultimatum, knave?"

"I decline. Duels are an outdated form of settling quarries that could easily be solved through negotiation. Yet, I would be happy to listen to a well-planned argument on why you need his Talihebetudine back into your possession, in lieu of said duel, though that is only an expression. Happiness is a distraction from vital work and is unnecessary for survival."

Bender smiled darkly as the perfect argument came to light as an epiphany in his head. He removed his pirate hat and placed it back into his chest. "Well then, sir, you had better take a seat with ol' Bender inside that office over there."

They soon found themselves in a room made entirely out of glossy, white tile. Even the table they sat at was molded from that same, textureless material. Bender drummed his stout fingers on the table-top with a _click-clack-click, click-clack-click._ He was anxious under that cool, angry façade.

"Would it kill'em to add a splash of color in this asylum? Some light pastels, at least?" Bender commented, flicking his wrist.

"Color is arbitrary." The Dolormundite explained as he hovered through the door and shut it behind him. "They are not as uniform as neutrals, and are therefore illogical. Now, shall we?"

 _"Please."_ Bender huffed and leaned back in his seat as the alien rested his floating-device down across from him.

"Commence." He ordered softly.

"Oh, uh, where to start?" Bender chuckled nervously, clearing his throat. "See, well, uh, Fry here is a human being, correct? And uh, humans have unusual needs." Bender knew he would be sweating like a pig if he could. Now what did Fry say the other night? "You see, people have feelings like being happy and sad for good reasons. They, uh, need them to survive. See how sick he looks compared to the fat guy?"

"Hey, watch it mon." Hermes warned.

"See? He's got some hyper in his diaper, ain't he?" Bender thumbed at the bureaucrat, then to Fry. "Now, _this_ one here, to put it kindly, has been a complete dumpster as of late, catch my drift? And humans aren't supposed to act like that. They, can't, uh, _function_ properly without their feelings. I would know better than anyone. The kid's my fiance." Bender leaned in a bit closer to the Dolormundite, reading his nametag. "Eh, and between you, me and the rest of us, I sometimes consider _myself_ a human; close proximity and such. I know. Shocking. So, whataya say, Norm. Can I call you Norm? On second thought, I don't care. Whataya say, Norm?"

Norm sat there pensively for an agonizing moment. Hermes closed his eyes, considering himself thoroughly screwed. This is what he got for dicking with Fry. It was karma, or maybe Bender's well-plotted revenge. Either way, they were all gonna die.

"You have given me a logical reason to give the Talihebetudine back to your lifemate. I must return your property at once. Apologies for any inconvenience this mishap has caused you."

 _"For real?"_ Bender squeaked.

"In actuality, yes." Norm replied. "Obviously the creature is ill and has alternative needs to my own species. We were not aware of this, and this has been a miscalculation on our part. We ask that you don't sue."

"Granted." Hermes interjected before Bender could speak. They were _not_ blowing their lives for a couple stacks of Dolormundite cash. (Something Bender might in fact do if he was feeling daring that day.)

"Very well. Please follow me to the storage facilities."

They did. Down the hall, sixteenth door on the left. A large, cold room full of shelves upon shelves of clear tubes, each with varying shades of colored jelly inside. Norm hovered his way over to the more blue section, labeled "Humanoid" in chunky, black letters.

"Our most recent human subject has been reported as having one of the most urgent cases of Stupid in the history of Dolormundis 4." He said calmly, pulling a foggy, navy-blue tube from the bottom shelf with his amphibious fingers. "Is this him?"

"It's him alright. He once got his tongue stuck in a portable toaster." Bender said loudly. The wise alien nodded, understanding.

"Please remove the rubber stopper and pour the entirety of this tube's contents into Philip's left hearing-orifice. This is his own Talihebetudine, a sort of "brain-concoction" unique to him and only him. It contains each and every illogical thought he has ever had, and gives him the free-will to make idiotic choices if he pleases. He will be rendered unconscious for a few moments, but his personality and emotions should return immediately, and he will become a fully-functioning homo sapien once again."

"Gimme that!" Bender eagerly grabbed the tube from Norm's hand and turned to Fry. "Lay down, baybuh. I got this."

The redhead obeyed and dropped rather childishly to the floor, exposing his left ear and shutting his eyelids. Bender quickly bent down and rammed the tube into his head, and watched as the blue gelatin drained in. Fry was out cold in a matter of seconds.

Bender was biting at his fingers, sitting on the tile beside him nervously as he waited for what was to come next.


	16. Chapter 16: Happy Endings

Bender watched intently as Fry's eyelids fluttered, opening slowly to reveal a pair of unfocused, hazel eyes that gradually zeroed-in on the yellowish optics of a robot. He squinted up skeptically.

"Bender? s'that you? Or is it an imposter trying to steal my chewed gum collection?"

"You're back!" Bender exclaimed and scooped the redhead up in his arms so that he could squeeze him like a rag-doll. He swung his legs back and forth for a moment as Fry gasped for breath.

"Did I go somewhere?" Fry said restrictedly, unable to get a good gulp of air. Bender placed him on his feet and clasped onto his shoulders. Then, the robot stretched up on on the tips of his footcuffs to smush his glassy mouthplate against Fry's cushy lips, and remarkably, they kissed right back! A _real_ kiss with affection he could almost taste, with fleshy hands that cupped around the back of Bender's head.

 _"Mmmm."_ Bender sighed contentedly into his overly lovey-dovey kiss. This was how it was supposed to be. None of that cold, _not-worshipping-Bender_ crap. He pulled away with a smoochy-sound, and breathed a satisfied breath.

"What's going on? Why are we here?" Fry asked, sounding concerned as he looked around in the freezing room of shelves. "Did we lose another bet with the street-kids? I warned you I'm not good at Double-Dutch."

"Don't worry your dim, little head about it, Meatbag. I'll explain it all on the way home." Bender stuck his arm around Fry's waist and walked the clueless redhead out of the door with a "So long, Norm! Smell ya later!"

Hermes apologized for Bender's crude behavior and gave Norm a proper thanks, before tagging along behind the romosexual couple and into the crumpled ship.

The trip home was rather uncomfortable for the bureaucrat. Fry steered the ship on Bender's lap while the robot carded through Fry's fiery hair, and kissed the back of his neck, sometimes reaching his arms around Fry's waist to aid the rehead's poor driving. Hermes could sense how thrilled Bender was to have the half-wit in his arms again. As he watched him show Fry the right buttons to press and when, (though he hardly knew himself,) he couldn't help but feel another bout of that blame being pointed at him. He'd almost taken the light of Bender's life, and turned his coworker into a soulless, logical apparition.

Hermes sucked in some stuffy air, and mustered up the guts to step over to the two of them, who seemed to be having an important conversation.

"You say I was too smart to even eat play Ninja Cheesepuff Warriors?" Fry gasped, "But it's our favorite nighttime game!"

"You were too geeked-up to even _touch_ a cheesepuff- Watch the wheel- Cuz all you'd eat was that gross rabbit food. You see how scrawny you are? I'm gonna have to start callin' you 'Bonebag.' The second we get home I'm getting' you a cheeseburger or nine, fatten you up a lil-"

"Excuse me." Hermes cleared his throat loudly to gain their attention. Two very different sets of eyes glanced up at him. One pair was curious and innocent. The other screamed 'murder.' "I would like ta make an announcement, if that's alright with you."

"Denied. Go away Herpderp." Bender fumed nonchalantly.

"Anyways, I would like to apologize for my actions earlier this month. Fry, I shouldn'ta pushed ya and let your brains get scrambled. And Benda," The bureaucrat eyed the robot now, with real apology behind his square glasses. "I shoulda been more considerate of your feelin's."

"I don't have any stupid feelings! _Arrrg!_ You'll never be forgiven fer stealin' me favorite booty! Now get lost, Bob Marley! Scram!" Bender stood, pushing Fry off of him with a thud as he thrust a sharp sword from his chest and slapped on his hat. He then picked Fry up by the scruff of his neck and handed him a smaller, yet still deadly weapon. "Turn on the autopilot, me First Matey, Wiggles. We got ourselves a scallywag to make walk the plank!"

Hermes squealed in fear and darted to the backroom for refuge. Fry and Bender both grinned, happy to be playing their games once again. They hadn't played 'Walk the Plank' in a while, and now seemed like a good time to rev this engine once more. With one final kiss, the two howled like pirates and bolted after him, enthralled to find that he was a lot more fun to terrify than the ever-humorless Leela. Fry was back, baby, oh _boy_ did they have a lot of fun to make up for.

And as Bender watched Fry pin Hermes to the ground and threaten him with his blade, he found he couldn't wait for them to be pulling the same damn shenanigans with wedding rings on their fingers, rather than engagement rings.

Maybe they could steal off to Mars Vegas tonight, after Hermes got what was coming to him...

 ** _THE END YOU WEINERS!_**


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